From one life-long Star Wars fan to another, it may be time to retire the badge. Beware, rants & spoilers ahead.
No one can debate the absolute tragedy that was Princess Leia’s resurrection. No one should support love triangle vibes or the chemistry-less friend-game from the positively pointless side narrative that took Finn and friend to little Vegas to find the stuttering codebreaker who betrays them and disappears. Pointless.
The ridiculous certainly outweighed the powerful, the silly over the strong. Laura Dern’s character keeps the plan from her one best ally, Poe Dameron. She plays a stubborn, hateful leader dressed for the governor’s ball who sacrifices herself to save some.
The screen should be at least somewhat sacred – screentime under a trusted name should be valuable. Your time and money is worth more than this poorly produced film. Certainly, stunning shots made a few moments worthwhile, but the details betrayed the beauty breaking what faith I had left after a torturous Rogue One. I had a bad feeling about this, but I still had hope for the franchise.
The little “porg” birds and crystal foxes may have added cutsie touches, but they played no role in the plot.
Nice pitch for new Disney dolls, but why not go ahead and make the alien cow that Luke milks. That’ll be a coveted toy beneath the Christmas tree. And why were frog people living on the island with Luke selling elephant tusks out of wheelbarrows. These are questions I’d like to know the answers to. Here are a few more odd details I’d love to know more about.
The ancient unread Jedi texts look like $12 journals from Barnes and Noble. Finn and his flibbertigibbet new gal pal are the only 2 standing when the doc is hit. Lucky.
Poe is locked up on a transport waiting for Leia to wake up only to slap him – an out of character move. Kylo Ren, however, is still a pent-up child throwing tantrums. BB8 saves the day multiple times. Bot’s got more gumption and wherewithal than any of the fighters. Rey, still unfortunately flawless and therefore unrelatable, somehow trains herself after a few short days on JJ’s next big LOST island. Then, Luke ditches and dismisses the one promised moment that had carried us all into this film. For two years, Rey has been holding his lightsaber out to him waiting for the hero to emerge. And, in two seconds, our hopes were dashed and Han died for no reason.
This film was disappointing on every level that matters. Sure, you can blindly watch and appreciate the Star Wars fan-isms. You can call it beautiful in scenes. You can say that you believe in the rebellion and it’s potential to take back the galaxy by pushing the Empire out and bringing balance to the force. But, sorry fans, you cannot say that this was a good film just because it’s Star Wars.
Splatter: on FILM 