Splatter: on FILM

A new Three Musketeer movie? It must have a new plot!

It doesn’t. The exact story arises in fairer face.

It must be full of adventure and excellent special effects? Oh it is. It’s better than most movies on the Scifi channel.

It must have a stellar cast? It does at that. Orlando plays an unbelievable bad guy. Really. I don’t believe him as the bad guy. The boy brings a bit of redemption. But just when your hope grows, it also deflates.  Suspense builds, but to what end? For me, the end came about thirty minutes in when I’d had enough of Milla Jovovich’s expressionless American accent in France and the pointless musketeer dialogue. Not even the promise of another sword fight could keep me in my seat.

Have you seen the 1987 Rob Reiner comedic masterpiece Princess Bride? Then you’ve heard much of this script. Stolen. Line for line. “Oh, this gate key.”  “…anyone else is trying to sell you something.” “Take Buttercup.” Sure, in this one Buttercup is a horse…