Splatter: on FILM

I’m not sure why I felt slightly unprepared to see this film. I had seen the play. My friend Steve played one of the princes when we were in high school. It was so funny. The show is meant to be overdone and overly dramatic. This film did achieve that properly over-the-top flair with wild vaudevillian acting, hard singing, and full-blown costumes and effects.
There were, however, those elements that would make anyone agonize wondering how much longer it could possibly go on. It’s an operetta, meaning they sing almost every line and the songs rarely find resolve. So, it feels like one very long song. So, in that vein, I attempted to write new lyrics to the film’s soundtrack below, expressing my disgust at points and over all true feelings for this film:

It’s too dark.
It’s one long song.
The themes are pushed.
What themes are those?
The themes of love conflicting with independence;
The theme of wishing for dreams but dealing with consequences.From bloody toes, to moments with Johnny Depp.

They turned him from wolf… to zuit suited pedophile. He’s a zuit-suited pedofile.

Yes.

Then Emily Blunt.
She sings so well,
but who could believe she’s a pauper’s wife.
She’s baking and singing, the baker’s wife.
The one whose attractions, temptations could end her life.
But oh, Chris Pine, I’d fall hard too.
I’d fall for you.
I’d bake you a cake, be the baker’s wife,
if it wasn’t for Anna Kendrick.

The film was set on just one set.
I can see right now how they could afford the make-up alone for Meryl Streep.
In so many scenes and always the same,
Yes, but she’s Meryl Streep.
She’s a wunderkind.
Agony.