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OUTLAW KING (2019) Netflix movie review in haiku
Category: Skip It
LAST CHRISTMAS (2019) movie review in haiku
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SHAZAM! (2019) movie review in haiku
Zachary Levi
Gets jacked for Big remake – it’s
Teen boy v CG
Click the pic below to watch the TRAILER:
GOODBYE CHRISTOPHER ROBIN (2017) movie review in haiku
Pooh’s story sullied
by PTSD tirades
Milne’s childhood neglect
A STAR IS BORN (2018) movie review
The premise: a skilled performer finally gets her big break and true love only to find that one cannot exist with the other.
Bradley Cooper wears many hats over his trademark blue eyes for this film: singer, star, writer, and director – he’s a regular Streisand.
Lady Gaga nails every note but gives only a few unforced sequences. Her first few scenes with Cooper are decently honest and raw. As soon as her character reaches performance mode, however, she’s back to standard Gaga: almost meat suit, Kermit dress level.
Her character is allowed some complexity: she’s snarky but subdued, impulsive but fearful. Yet, we never know much more about her than her immediate feelings. Cooper’s Jack character gets more backstory, but character gaps make him the big/hearted addict performer only.
Brilliant musical numbers performed as live stadium shows interrupt the otherwise arduous pacing revealing huge character gaps and content foibles including Dave Chappell’s one perfect scene which feels dropped in like an afterthought.
The scenes in the house were O’Russell-esque: wild with conversational dialogue and frenzied POV. Delightful with perfectly cast Andrew Dice Clay as her father. Otherwise, most dialogue felt messy and foul-mouthed, forgetting continuity and consistency in favor of Gaga power ballads.
TAG (2018) & GAME NIGHT (2018) movies reviewed
TAG (2018) and GAME NIGHT (2018) occupy the same shelf in my mind. Both are foul-mouthed comedic romps of mischief between grown ups acting like kids who take their kid games a little far. Ed Helms and Jason Bateman, the interchangeable well-meaning married men who hesitate then act with whimsy edging on insanity. 
Rachel McAdams & Isla Fisher play the competitive trophy wives with violent tendencies but good hearts. Increase the casts to ensembles including the likes of SNL’s favorite Mad Man John Hamm, New Girl‘s Nick Jake Johnson, Avenger’s Hawkeye Jeremy Renner and more. Roll those dice, and it’s game on.
Car chases, crazy fight sequences, violence, drug use and constant language, as well as some blatant discussions about sex make both of these pretty edgy almost raunchy comedies.
If we’re talking straight filmmaking, the major flaws lie in negligent storytelling, not poorly made movies. In fact, some decent editing and stunt work exist in both films. 
Game Night is a quick giveaway in which the characters know too much too soon and are able to escape and outwit the bad guys every time.
Tag entrusts some all-stars with too many boring scenarios hoping famous faces will mask the lack of plot. Otherwise, they could never get a gorgeous journalist to tag along for such a spiraling schlep.
I suppose some would say I’m being too harsh to mindless dirty comedies. Perhaps some would prefer the bliss of ignorance. I suppose in this time-is-money world, I would just prefer to protect viewers from wasting both.
I FEEL PRETTY (2018) movie review
From the overzealous caricature to the underdeveloped plot, this film seeks to validate the slightly overweight by suffocating them with overt Amy’s body-image messages. It plays like propaganda. Like the catchy but unfortunate “If you’re happy and you know it” tune that that one famous weight loss business reworded to say “If you’re lonely, eat your feelings, have a snack.” This too-long promo glazes over after the lingering pre-credits intro. Force-feeding an I’m-ok-you’re-okay-no-matter-what-we-look-like quickly turns to shaming as the hotter, mean girls tower in the hierarchy over less attractive smarter girls. This is the one way Amy balks the stereotype: her character is also not smart nor a good friend.
Amy Schumer’s poster girl attempt falls short because she is not ugly enough to pull it off. She’s lovely. It’s her insecurity that’s the turn-off. She makes a 13-going-on-30 Zoltar-Tom-Hanks’-Big wish in a femme fountain, hits her head and wakes up Feeling Pretty. Unlike Gwyneth’s fat suit film (Shallow Hal 2001), we don’t see that alter-Amy. She just shifts to her super confident self with the low low aspirations of front desking for beauty products mean moguls.
The bright spots are the co-stars when they get a word in – friends proposing group dates and the heart-of-gold tech nerd bf at Zumba.
It’s another Devil Wears Prada without the smart story, snappy writing, likable mentor, or plot arc. It’s just every screen Amy, all of Amy, too much of Amy. It’s gratuitous Amy.
In an era when Krasinskis are making smaller budget almost silent films with beauty and intrigue in every shot, movies like this feel so made-for-tv poor that holding the stub feels like an insult to art.
STAR WARS Episode 8 The Last Jedi (2017) movie review
From one life-long Star Wars fan to another, it may be time to retire the badge. Beware, rants & spoilers ahead.
Call it too many cooks in the kitchen. Blame an inexperienced writer/ director. But nothing can redeem the plot holes, the lack of character development, the incessant punny one-liner attempts at comic relief that skewed the tone of this film meant for the Star Wars Universe but playing out like a poor spin-off.
No one can debate the absolute tragedy that was Princess Leia’s resurrection. No one should support love triangle vibes or the chemistry-less friend-game from the positively pointless side narrative that took Finn and friend to little Vegas to find the stuttering codebreaker who betrays them and disappears. Pointless.
The ridiculous certainly outweighed the powerful, the silly over the strong. Laura Dern’s character keeps the plan from her one best ally, Poe Dameron. She plays a stubborn, hateful leader dressed for the governor’s ball who sacrifices herself to save some.
The screen should be at least somewhat sacred – screentime under a trusted name should be valuable. Your time and money is worth more than this poorly produced film. Certainly, stunning shots made a few moments worthwhile, but the details betrayed the beauty breaking what faith I had left after a torturous Rogue One. I had a bad feeling about this, but I still had hope for the franchise.
The little “porg” birds and crystal foxes may have added cutsie touches, but they played no role in the plot.
Nice pitch for new Disney dolls, but why not go ahead and make the alien cow that Luke milks. That’ll be a coveted toy beneath the Christmas tree. And why were frog people living on the island with Luke selling elephant tusks out of wheelbarrows. These are questions I’d like to know the answers to. Here are a few more odd details I’d love to know more about.
No one can debate the absolute tragedy that was Princess Leia’s resurrection. No one should support love triangle vibes or the chemistry-less friend-game from the positively pointless side narrative that took Finn and friend to little Vegas to find the stuttering codebreaker who betrays them and disappears. Pointless.The ridiculous certainly outweighed the powerful, the silly over the strong. Laura Dern’s character keeps the plan from her one best ally, Poe Dameron. She plays a stubborn, hateful leader dressed for the governor’s ball who sacrifices herself to save some.The screen should be at least somewhat sacred – screentime under a trusted name should be valuable. Your time and money is worth more than this poorly produced film. Certainly, stunning shots made a few moments worthwhile, but the details betrayed the beauty breaking what faith I had left after a torturous Rogue One. I had a bad feeling about this, but I still had hope for the franchise.The little “porg” birds and crystal foxes may have added cutsie touches, but they played no role in the plot. Nice pitch for new Disney dolls, but why not go ahead and make the alien cow that Luke milks. That’ll be a coveted toy beneath the Christmas tree. And why were frog people living on the island with Luke selling elephant tusks out of wheelbarrows. These are questions I’d like to know the answers to. Here are a few more odd details I’d love to know more about.
The ancient unread Jedi texts look like $12 journals from Barnes and Noble. Finn and his flibbertigibbet new gal pal are the only 2 standing when the doc is hit. Lucky.
Poe is locked up on a transport waiting for Leia to wake up only to slap him – an out of character move. Kylo Ren, however, is still a pent-up child throwing tantrums. BB8 saves the day multiple times. Bot’s got more gumption and wherewithal than any of the fighters. Rey, still unfortunately flawless and therefore unrelatable, somehow trains herself after a few short days on JJ’s next big LOST island. Then, Luke ditches and dismisses the one promised moment that had carried us all into this film. For two years, Rey has been holding his lightsaber out to him waiting for the hero to emerge. And, in two seconds, our hopes were dashed and Han died for no reason.
This film was disappointing on every level that matters. Sure, you can blindly watch and appreciate the Star Wars fan-isms. You can call it beautiful in scenes. You can say that you believe in the rebellion and it’s potential to take back the galaxy by pushing the Empire out and bringing balance to the force. But, sorry fans, you cannot say that this was a good film just because it’s Star Wars.
KING ARTHUR: Legend of the Sword (2017) movie review
Guy Ritchie’s new foray into old lore leaves one wanting more… wanting more clarity, consistency, and likable characters with trackable plotlines.
Through experimental filming and storytelling, the age-old Arthurian legend gets blurred on screen as angry teen magicians create dream sequences that collide in ultra HD street-running and slo-mo fights. 
Only more herky-jerky than the filming is the dialogue that forces stuttered inside jokes, mistakable relationships, and forgettable caricatures that not even a Beckham cameo could save.
Though Charlie Hunnam’s rippling abs and Viking jawline are the stuff of dreams, they are not enough to carry the whole legend and hopeful film series. 
And, even pert Jude Law’s portrayal of the murderous, evil-possessed uncle is baleful at best as he visits his nasty CG three-headed Ursula muse to gain yellow contacts.
Tragically, the great potential in casting and directing cred perhaps became the hubris leading to defeat, for this Excalibur should have remained in the stone until editing could find the glue to bring all of the disparate pieces of this film together.
LOST CITY OF Z (2017) movie review
Remove the pristine profile shots of Charlie Hunnam’s jawline and the darkened jungle B roll and you’ve lost 80% of this film. If only that was it’s only flaw. Sadly, themes and scenes do not connect. Called to the jungle, the men move forward as mapmakers, explorers, and discoverers attempting to make their marks on history as they walk deadly terrain, meet with danger, and never quite find what they are looking for. Sadly, neither do audience members as the story muddles on. 
The main character’s initial drive to regain family status too quickly translates to the goal of personal glory. Robert Pattinson, a bad casting decision, plays the mumbling, no talent co-explorer who helps lead a team of forgettable allies who lack enough purpose and/or enough backstory to validate rants or bouts with jungle-born illnesses. 
Even the addition of racial tensions in the early 1900s and a dash of feminist debate fall flat, and both come to no more than fluffy exposition and pointless conjecture for a plot leading nowhere. In the same way, Hunnam’s wanderlust prevails over practicalities and sends him over and over back into the jungle on fruitless endeavors to find a City that stays lost.
Splatter: on FILM 