Splatter: on FILM

Dear Michael Bay,
Your robot action scenes in this latest “opus” were your tour de force.
No, really. You promised metal on metal fight sequences and you truly delivered. That’s one small step for Shia, and one giant Optimus leap for you personally, Mr. Bay. Your budget must have been enormous – no exaggeration. And your cast? Come on! John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, McDreamy, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese – and that little guy from Community and the Hangover movies who is always saying how proud he is to be asian? Shia was no slouch either. You must be doing something right in the big budget movie world. I mean, every junior high boy will most likely start mowing lawns or selling puppies for the chance to see a movie that they will feel like they wrote, like they could have acted in, that they all would have cast the lead girl in. These same boys could grow up in the belief that girls like that actually exist for real. Not to burst bubbles boys, but she is a robot. No, not in the movie. For real. Shia may be the only real person in this flick. I know because he cries seven times. This movie stretches the imagination – it makes us all believe that alien robots exist, that losers can score chicks, that bad writing can be covered over with better and more explosions, and that models can act. It’s all make-believe. Thanks, Michael Bay. Directing robots, it’s your gift.
Sincerely yours,
S.J.P.