Splatter: on FILM

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to see some of my favorite actors as children. The kindergarten effect: emotional roller coasters, needing snacks and naps, afraid of odd things, dancing to whatever music plays, having pointless sleepovers, wrecking stuff at will, yelling and calling names, friending and unfriending, saying the darn’dest things.

ALOHA (2015) fulfilled that birthday wish. What a surprise to sit in stunned awe at the total lack of continuity – as if they filmed it all backwards as a joke and forgot to fix it, as if they spliced in a few decent shots of great actors but thought it would be quirky to have them speak in total nonsense or silence (sometimes with subtitles), or as if they tried to make another film…how about Ernest Goes to Hawaii…minus Ernest.

It’s that bad.Save yourself. Avoid. See anything but this. A great review that I read called this film a more impressive disaster film than San Andreas starring “The Rock,” also debuting this weekend.

Don’t be persuaded by the perfect cast of blue-eyed beauties or the promise of Bill Murrayisms. Even Alec Baldwin couldn’t save it.

Here is an unrelated clip by the same name that was shockingly less confusing and almost more enjoyable than the film Aloha: