Splatter: on FILM

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION (2013) movie review

April 15, 2013October 25, 20154 Comments

Titans clash in the throng as the epic battle for world domination ensues. The quintessential caricature-ized talking heads of the world gather, nuke briefcases in tow. One push of the red button and…obliteration.

Only the specially trained forces can stop it.

Bruce Willis, the original Joe, must tag in for this one last ride.

The Rock has enough deep ocean glances into his own soul via the camera lens to constitute a romance.

If you’re looking for Shawshank, Platoon, or even a Mission Impossible, you’ll need to check those expectations at the door. This is a live action cartoon. It’s loaded with guns and amo, Americana, and good old fashioned explosions. And, according to my dad, there is never a bad explosion.

You go to G.I. Joe: Retaliation to see big stars play every kid’s favorite 80’s action figures live on screen doing what kids back then could only dream was possible.

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL (2013) movie review

April 9, 2013October 25, 20151 Comment

Sam Raimi directs James Franco well. Long lost are the hints of Franco’s Spring Break or his trips on the Pinapple Express. No, this is Franco the actor, Franco the deserving. He proves a multifaceted Disney-worthy come-clean heroic Wizard. I had little hope for him, or for this film, but both were a delight.

It’s well-acted and beautifully manufactured. It’s a Disney ride in itself, splash drops and all. It’s magical and illuminating, but too scary for smaller viewers. Witches prove truly wicked or purely good, while munchkins dance and fight as they should. Each character proves endearing, especially the girl from Chinatown and the primate sidekick. The story delights and comes full circle along with each of its characters, adding new insight into the origins of the famous 1939 favorite The Wizard of Oz.

I look forward to seeing it again.

PITCH PERFECT (2012) movie review

April 4, 2013October 25, 20154 Comments

Quotable quirk Glees it up retro style.

Perfunctory performances get shots of caffeine as iTunes goes 8Track and back again and young college students sing Hip Hop hits in the accapella bowl to win the proverbial Nationals title and trophy.

Screenwriter, Kay Cannon, also writes for the show New Girl. She wrote for 30 Rock. She wrote Baby Mama. She’s in some pretty respected territory as a comedy writer. (Check out her imdb.com credits.)

I hope that she doesn’t take offense to my comparison, but I see Pitch Perfect as a Bring It On for a new generation. I am one of a million who an claim Facebook friendship with Jessica Bendinger, a model turned screenwriter and novelist. When I met her a little over a year ago, she discussed writing the original Bring It On. She wisely said that staying up-to-date on “teen-speak” is impossible, so she made it up. Yes, she coined the terms from the film that students began to use fluidly, thereby adding her cast to the lineage of linguistically shaping likes of Bill & Ted and Wayne & Garth. She directed a film called Stick It, bringing Jeff Bridges back into his new era of casting calls. She moved into tv writing for Sex & the City, and now she gets the odd call for the those random $10k meetings. She too stays busy.

Pitch Perfect, written by Cannon, works the same magic for a new era of highly cynical, overly tech-stimulated youth. It gives them a moment to laugh at their generation’s penchant for karaoke tv shows like American Idol and The Voice. It’s full of crude humor and slap-stick pranks goaded on by the odd girthy-great loud and lazy Australian-born Rebel Wilson. What I liked about this film was that it makes fun of itself as it plays out. It isn’t trying to be more than quirky. It’s kitsch and that makes it kinda likable despite its expected level of locker room humor and language.

PLAYING FOR KEEPS (2012) movie review

April 4, 2013October 25, 2015Leave a comment

It’s a travesty. Don’t let the sweet abs of Gerard Butler or his Scottish accent lure you into this trap.
I’m pretty sure it’s unscripted, allows every character to play hyperbolically to the crazy-person persona, and took perhaps 3 days to film. It’s horrible. I tried to watch it with a group, and when our shocked groans grew louder than the film, we paused and decided unanimously to turn it off.

One plus hours in, Butler is still avoiding time with his son to bed down the soccer moms who ridiculously lure him in. This is awful. How anyone could buy in to his gaining a moral compass after the first hour is beyond me. That’s obviously the goal: bad dad turns good. Reverse the role, and this becomes the hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold scenario, and we’re just not buying it.

Discussing toe-nail clippings is more edifying…and perhaps more entertaining. Please spare yourselves.

ROBOT & FRANK (2012) movie review

March 24, 2013October 25, 20151 Comment

It’s sweet. I did see it right after dental surgery, so I was on some strong pain medication. Perhaps this changed my perceptions a bit, but I walked away wishing I had a robot friend like the character coyly but simply called “Robot.”
Out the door with Data from the Next Generation, with Johnny 5, with the Small Wonder. This little guy never made 3-PO quips or pulled the stunts and whistles of the little R2 unit. The voice of Peter Sarsgaard will not awaken AI to allow the machines to scorch the sky. It will not instigate the murder of the one who could destroy Skynet. It has no dream of humanity. It doesn’t dream.

So what does it do?

It listens. It cooks & cleans. It assesses quality of life, becomes a daily companion, and verbalizes only curiosity, encouragements, and suggestions to the one human to whom it is assigned.

Wow. Bianca from Lars and the Real Girl may have been upstaged by Robot in this little indie film. Newbies Jake Schreier and Christopher Ford wrote and filmed a version of this in college, then got the green light to make it with much bigger budget this last year.

The acting cast is stellar. No complaints. I love Marsden, Tyler, Sarandon, and especially Frank Langella as the cantankerous retired cat burglar suffering from dementia.

Slower moving but not without its twist endings, Robot & Frank is worth a watch.

THE SWITCH (2010) movie review

March 24, 2013October 25, 20151 Comment

I’ve never seen a more ridiculous plot made into something quite so brilliant.

I’ve never really been a Jennifer Aniston fan, but here she is vulnerable and lovely. Jason Bateman, as usual, is beloved as the straight man. Jeff Goldblum makes any scene laughable, but memorable, while Juliette Lewis plays to stereotype as the perpetually high bf.

It’s truly ridiculous. Oddly neurotic but likable best bud guy friend who secretly loves his successful gorgeous single female best pal gets clobbered at the sperm party and replaces the donated sperm. Donor? Pretty Patrick Wilson. Nice. Stupid. Worst plot ever. It’s not funny. It’s horrifying.

Then somehow, twenty or so minutes in, I’m crying. I’m in love with Jason Bateman all over again. The music, the voiceover narration, the little boy, the daddy issues, the lovely family connections, the funny lines. This one is well written. If you can handle the low LOW concept and consider the acting for two minutes, you too can feel empowered to speak up when necessary in order to avoid the potentially costly and ridiculous antics of your own life. The Switch surprised me so much. I’m embarrassed to admit that saw it three times in a week. I kept it running. I replayed the precious moments to commit them to memory. Sure there is equal silly to smart in this one, but for some reason it also rings thoughtful, familial, precious.

DOWNTON ABBEY Season 3

March 11, 2013October 25, 2015Leave a comment

Beware of spoilers.

I believe that writers can develop what I like to call a god-complex. They become so intimately involved in the practice of creation, of breathing life into characters, that they can become calloused and begin to enjoy the act too much when the pen doubles as the Reaper’s sickle, wielding the duel power to take life as well as give it.

Julian Fellowes is the brilliant writer / creator of the globally renowned television show called Downton Abbey. What Fellowes has done in this third season is make us care. Well done. We are like sled dogs, he holding the mushing reins. When he gives we rejoice, and when he removes we mourn. That is good writing.
When this season ended in the UK, Americans had barely had time to dream over Lady Mary’s would-be wedding clothes. And I had to wait until March to see what Britain calls its “Christmas episode.”

Screenwriters are taught to add “gap” or elements of surprise into scenes. No amount of gap could compare to the final moments of this third season. Matthew who has seen so much death on and off the battlefield, who finally marries his dearest love, who accepts his title and position and saves the estate he is to inherit, and who meets his very own son is suddenly wiped from the storyboards. Matthew gone. Matthew immortalized as Mary’s perfect love.

Ah ha! The writer, a British Lord himself, playing dice with his universe?

I heard once that “fame is secular man’s grasp on immortality.” In Greek mythology, the true hero tests the fates and moves to make a mark on history in order to become legend, for only in legend can he become immortal. Matthew was in this sense immortalized before he could be deemed less lovely.

n the special features of Downton III, the writer claims that he allows Mary to have her perfect love. Is it divine punishment to offer true love and then take it away in its prime? I suppose it fits, mythologically speaking, but the true test here is how much an audience can take.

My theory is simple. Despite the ensemble drama, Mary is the main character, the hero of this story. She is central. She is fixed. All others play foil to her tale. Certainly she could die and the role of hero would be replaced, but for now she is left to carry on through tragedy. Great heroes have great dreams unfulfilled, great flaws to overcome, and and great hurdles to cross completely alone.

We shall see how it plays out for this hero despite the looming thunder of Downton’s Zeus.

JACK THE GIANT SLAYER (2013) movie review

March 10, 2013October 25, 20152 Comments

CGI may have had its heyday, but great casting, writing, and acting can never be overdone or overrated. This is a great cast.

Every year seems to sprout fresh remakes of old fairy tales. This delightful film only adds to the cannon.

Of course there is a beautiful and strong-willed princess to rescue. Of course a twisted and corrupt fiancé is hungry for the throne. Of course the hero stands as underdog.

Likable Jack (Nicholas Hoult) uses his layman’s skills and passionate heart to save the day, make his father proud, and come out on top.

Stanley Tucci steals the show as the cruel fiancé, and Ewan McGregor wins a close second as the captain protector.

It may be too frightening for children, but this story is lovely and well done.

LIFE OF PI (2012) movie review

February 25, 2013October 25, 20152 Comments

Even as a small boy growing up in India, Pi was hungry for religion.

This film is gorgeous. It is also disturbing and heart-wrenching, but gorgeous. Ang Lee directs beautifully this tragic survival story.

Most of the film takes place on a lifeboat with two characters. It’s very Hemingway meets Tom Hanks that way. You miss Wilson.

The point is, you never feel safe in this film. Death waits for Pi at every turn.

A child behind me in the theater was crying through a lot of it asking her mom to take her home. The mom kept saying, “it’s not real. It’s ok.” That mom was wrong. It is real. And this movie is not okay for small children. Though he is telling the story and we know that he lives, the tiger called Richard Parker remains a wild animal with raw instincts, and many many die.

This film is packed with life lessons.

Pi is ever grateful to whatever gods he chooses to thank. I am not grateful enough to my creator God daily for my life, my very breath.

I forget that the very people and things I am most afraid of still need to be cared for. It is this care that fuels his drive to survive. If we are to survive the pitfalls of this life, we must learn to care for one another.

LINCOLN (2012) movie review

February 23, 2013October 25, 20154 Comments

Steven Spielberg usually goes for gimmick and glory over text and tone. This film, however, is a talkie. It’s not an action flick or a sci-fi. It’s not shocking. There is no product placement. It IS, however, perfect lighting in brown rooms, it is fluttering curtains and conversation. These conversations mattered. They carried historical weight.

The film centers around the passing of the 13th amendment, ending slavery in our country. President Lincoln so obviously bore the burden of that charge, pressing despite political implications, with a goal to do more than just end a war. He wanted to end it having changed the world. He wanted the war to matter.

This is not our fight today, but would it be had not this captain lived and died making this his fight?

Watching this was like piecing a puzzle together. It was methodical, thick with names and faces, strategic, messy, then somehow quite beautiful – a wonder to be cherished.

Watching Daniel Day-Lewis portray the man Lincoln was rather existential. He became Lincoln. Lee Pace jeered crowds against the amendment while Sally Field broke her husbands heart daily. Tommy Lee Jones regaled as the artful dodger and lovable curmudgeon.

When Lincoln spoke, all stilled to listen. Lincoln must have been a storyteller who wooed masses with his gentle reverberance. His words felt weighted. He was called to that great purpose.